"You'll be swell, you'll be great//Gonna have the whole world on a plate//Starting here, starting now//Honey, everything's coming up roses." - Jule Styne, featuring Ethel Merman - Gypsy
My actual roses are hanging on for dear life. I have come to a few realizations this week and told myself a few truths about how I came to be where I am. I am excited about what's to come, but also very cognizant that everything does not appear to be coming up roses in many parts of my world. When you give something a name, you reduce the power it has over you. I realized that I have been using all of my obligations to others as an excuse to not deal with my life. I have to take the log out of my eye before I deal with any specks. On my walks, the moon has been especially beautiful even though not full. At times, it seems like a bleached glowing orange segment floating above. The moon reflects light from the sun. Like Pearl Jam says, some people are meant to be the sun in somebody else's sky. I am comfortable in the shadows. The trick is to allow your eyes to adjust to less light. It is easy to fool yourself and find menace in the shadows, when it is only a robe thrown over a chair.
The struggle has been to change once I make myself aware of my behaviors. Many of the ladies I spoke with this week have taked about resetting their expectations. Not for others, but for ourselves. I live my life going above and beyond. As my wise friend Nico suggested, sometimes it is okay to just go above and leave the beyond out of it. I took a mental health half day to do what I wanted. I find that I often fill my free time and end up right where I started with overwhelm. This time, I gave myself permission to end up wherever I end up. I generally have an all or nothing mindset, but am finding that I can accomplish smaller chunks in a relatively short amount of time. Normally I would have been up three hours ago, but I allowed rest. See, I am learning :)
Everything can come up roses if you clear out the weeds. Most of my weeds abide in my head. I work so hard out of a false panic that I am going to lose everything or that I have to be more than enough for people to keep me in their lives. It is easy to fall into despair when you turn on the news. Do not sugar coat what is happenening. We are absolutely in some scary times, but perhaps it is just the things that were over there are now here. The horrors have been ongoing since time immemorial. Where do you want to expend your mental energy? Bob Marley said to "emancipate yourself from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds." Will you remain in bondage?
Roses are beautiful and they have thorns. If you only look at the beauty and ignore the thorns, you are not actually seeing the roses, but a story you tell yourself about roses. It is scary to tell yourself the truth. Like Future Cain often says, Lean into that discomfort. The truth is liberating. I wanted a 'set it and forget it' garden, but that does not exist. There are heartier plants that do not need to be watered daily, but I must remain vigilant to the weeds and prune before things grow out of control. We only want the roses. We have to put in the work to allow them the best opportunity to grow. Till your mental landscape and clear the room for your roses to grow. Namaste
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