I have been on leave, and life sometimes feels like I am Schrödinger’s Cat. When am I resting, and when I am procrastinating? Or am I overthinking about doing instead of enjoying being? I started writing today because my inside voice was tired of exploring dungeons and watching K-dramas and decided it wanted to do something meaningful. I also learned this week from a talk that Eli Rigatuso did for my workplace that artists do not create unless they are happy in his culture. The act of creating is to spread joy. I spent some time journaling this week, and it helped me uncover what is in plain sight. It is essential to touch base with your consciousness. I have been forced to be still, and it became easier as I embraced it. My mom said I’ll have to return to rushing when I am healed. It’s rushing that got me into this situation. No, thank you. Where are you rushing in your life? How is that working out for you?
Honoring myself and my energy is not going to be sunshine and lollipops. People with different ideas of who I am may find my current ideation discomfiting. Everyone may not like me, and that is okay. I do not think I have liked myself for some time, or I would have treated her better. This has been a journey of making friends with discomfort. Perhaps I would find myself in this situation even if I lived my life perfectly in balance and honoring my needs. I do not know, but my gut tells me that I need to take it easy. It has been an incredible opportunity to pay attention to my surroundings. I did not know that there were so many vultures in our neighborhood. Rest is not sitting on the couch eating bonbons. (No bonbons have been consumed) Rest and self-care are also dealing with things you have been putting off and completing tedious tasks which free up that low-level mental buzz of “I should.” Who could you be instead of who should you be?
I am not that important, and that’s okay. Many aspects of my life continue without me. It does not mean that I am someone to be disregarded but it is humbling. This is not false humility. I am amazing in many areas of my life AND I have opportunities to grow. It is freeing to not be perfect because I never was without flaws and life is more interesting. I am grateful for the struggles and challenges because they are helping me to grow. I am grateful for being honest about my limits and asking for help. It is still a process, and I would still sink if I tried to walk on water and am still sarcastic. I am getting better at spotting the patterns and nipping them in the bud. Where are your opportunities for growth? How will you address them?
The biggest change when I return to full capacity will be continuing to say No to things that do not serve me. Instead of making excuses, a simple “No” or “I’d rather not.” This is where trusting my gut will come into play. I will take ownership of self-inflicted wounds and stop causing them. Holding myself and others accountable is a little daunting. Integrity matters. I have said that the only thing that truly belongs to me is my word. Will I keep my promises to myself? What promises have you found it difficult to keep? If people do not like me, it will hurt but it will not kill me. Continuing to be a people-pleaser will harm me. What does it cost you to say yes to things you do not want? Namaste.
