"I don't know how I feel about you turning 18," I said to my daughter. "I don't know either," she responded. Milestones can be amazing celebrations. When was the last time I danced? Oh, I remember! It was in a store. They were playing a song I had not heard in forever. I don't remember it, but I was singing along and dancing down the aisles. You don't need a milestone to celebrate. For some of us, getting out of bed is a cause for celebration. I just realized its another first without him and I do not know how I feel about that either.
Sometimes we drive ourselves into a frenzy of celebration because we do not want to think about the other aspects of our life; the parts we keep in the shadows. I drove two hours to get some ice cream. It was incredible ice cream. Another first without him. Today we are driving almost two hours to bake a cheesecake. Tomorrow we are celebrating with another new adventure, another first, another first without him. I'm okay. I'm not okay. I am okay with being not okay, but eventually I will have to deal with not being okay. Not now. I have too many things to celebrate.
I am very blessed to have a loving and supportive network of family, friends, colleagues and collections. Every day I post art and everyday someone reaffirms the point of posting. People reach out to say hi, to have coffee, to have puppy dates, or to vent. I welcome the opportunity to give back to my community who has held me up during all the firsts. Thank you. I need a moment. Deep breath in and slow exhale. I'm okay. I'm not okay. Another first.
I will say that the past year and a half have perhaps help you to discover an inner resiliency you did not know you had. Or perhaps, I should say that I hope you have discovered it. I know I have, but as I try to become more adept at perspective taking, this is not the case for everyone. Trauma affects people differently. I am grateful for the gift of resiliency during these challenging times. At the start of the year, each perceived failure was a setback and resulted in a session of self-recrimination. I have reached a point where I realize that I am not my failure. Like Yinka Ewuola says, there are only results. If you don't like the results, what can you do to change the results. For me, a huge part is to change your mindset, which I have done in my own life through P.L.A.Y. and the scientific method. Another first. Remember you do not need an excuse to dance or celebrate. Namaste
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