"I don't know how I feel about you turning 18," I said to my daughter. "I don't know either," she responded. Milestones can be amazing celebrations. When was the last time I danced? Oh, I remember! It was in a store. They were playing a song I had not heard in forever. I don't remember it, but I was singing along and dancing down the aisles. You don't need a milestone to celebrate. For some of us, getting out of bed is a cause for celebration. I just realized its another first without him and I do not know how I feel about that either.
Sometimes we drive ourselves into a frenzy of celebration because we do not want to think about the other aspects of our life; the parts we keep in the shadows. I drove two hours to get some ice cream. It was incredible ice cream. Another first without him. Today we are driving almost two hours to bake a cheesecake. Tomorrow we are celebrating with another new adventure, another first, another first without him. I'm okay. I'm not okay. I am okay with being not okay, but eventually I will have to deal with not being okay. Not now. I have too many things to celebrate.
I am very blessed to have a loving and supportive network of family, friends, colleagues and collections. Every day I post art and everyday someone reaffirms the point of posting. People reach out to say hi, to have coffee, to have puppy dates, or to vent. I welcome the opportunity to give back to my community who has held me up during all the firsts. Thank you. I need a moment. Deep breath in and slow exhale. I'm okay. I'm not okay. Another first.
I will say that the past year and a half have perhaps help you to discover an inner resiliency you did not know you had. Or perhaps, I should say that I hope you have discovered it. I know I have, but as I try to become more adept at perspective taking, this is not the case for everyone. Trauma affects people differently. I am grateful for the gift of resiliency during these challenging times. At the start of the year, each perceived failure was a setback and resulted in a session of self-recrimination. I have reached a point where I realize that I am not my failure. Like Yinka Ewuola says, there are only results. If you don't like the results, what can you do to change the results. For me, a huge part is to change your mindset, which I have done in my own life through P.L.A.Y. and the scientific method. Another first. Remember you do not need an excuse to dance or celebrate. Namaste
If you enjoy this blog, please subscribe. The next three subscribers get a free nugget of wisdom.
