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Successful Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Tire of a navy blue cargo van stuck in red mud.

I am on vacation and it feels like I am spinning my wheels and going nowhere.  I always try to pack in so much and maximize vacation.  That kind of defeats the purpose.  I am not going with the flow.  Yesterday, for once, I listened to my body and took a nap.  I did not care that it was so close to bed or all the things I thought I had to do.  I needed to rest, so I rested.  Being in flow doesn't mean that all the plates you are spinning stop, it just means you are better able to flit between them and keep them turning.  I have to question why some of them need to be kept spinning in the first place.

Guess who's back?  Little miss control freak.  She is trying to keep the waves off the sand and I am telling her to chill.  Honestly, so what?  She gets worked up over things and misses the important stuff.  She has to remember that everyone is not her and everyone does not operate like her.  Instead of putting out that energy trying to control others, she should spend more time reflecting about why she needs to be control.  

Oh, but that would involve really tapping into those feelings.  It is so much easier to dissemble.  What is real?  Is it the story that we tell ourselves?  What happens when other people seem to have a different story?  If I can get on top of all the spinning plates, perhaps I can gain perspective.  I went swimming yesterday.  When I was in the water, it was easy to move and jump and extend beyond the usual boundaries.  When I got out of the water, all the gravity rushed in trying to crush me.  In order to get comfortable, you have to quickly submerge and acclimate your body to the cold water.

I stick to the surface, fooling myself.  Do I want to progress or stay stuck repeating the same lessons over and over again.  The bigger dog gets fed.  I notice I have been venting quite a bit, but it is not releasing any of the steam.  I think it actually builds the pressure because actions speak louder than words.  I think I am making progress, but find that I have been walking in circles because I am sticking in the shadows and not really sure of where I am going.  Being exposed and vulnerable is no fun, but I am fortunate to have a supportive network, if I allow it.  This past week, I kept saying that I help people stuck at an impasse.  Physician, heal thyself.  Namaste

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