I often feel as if I am snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. This past week has been many firsts; first podcast guest, first clothing line, a first parental rite of passage with adult children, and today my first time choosing to listen to my needs. When I received the call earlier this week, I already knew what had happened. "Are you okay?" I asked, and she said she was okay. I am ridiculously calm about the big things in life. It is an excellent skill, yet I do sweat the little things. "You crashed my car?" No problem. There is a fly in the house? Full mad Jamaican woman is on display! I wish I could bring that calm to all aspects of my life. The good news is that there are tools such as meditation, which do help.
The challenge for me is that I'm not too fond of feelings. Shocking! I know; I am always advocating for people to feel their emotions. I do feel my feels, and I wouldn't say I like every moment of it. I wonder if the preternatural calm is just a coping mechanism at times? When my child called me and told me they were in an accident, my first concern was if they were okay. It was a fender bender, and I had a huge dent in my car. I remembered my first collision and knew she must be scared. What would I want from my parent? I stayed calm, and she remained calm. I reflected that this could have been a different call and am thankful that my child was okay. Yes, I am a little angry, and I found a way to express it without causing harm. Bonus, there is much less complaining when I ask them to cook dinner.
Lately, I have noticed that I am holding back. I found a company that can make my art into clothing, and I have yet to share this with the general population. Last week we discussed that our thoughts bring about our feelings. I think that I am not enough and set myself up for failure. I have to take my advice about putting myself out there. Dr. Susan David, in her Ted Talk, "Why It's Good to Embrace Negative Feelings," said that "Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life." I have to reconcile if I am being calm or suppressing my feelings. I am a pragmatic person and have never understood the point of falling apart. A wise friend told me that if I do not listen to my body, I may physically fall apart. Hence why I am disappointing my niece and not attending her gymnastics competition. "Good luck, sweetie!"
Last week we discussed the stories we tell ourselves. Do I want to be the timid lobster hiding their gifts under the sea? Or do I want to be the happy little lobster that comes out into the light and shines? I am not for everyone, and that is okay. You are not for everyone, and that is also okay. Perhaps I need to borrow how other people see me until I see myself as a vibrant and incredible woman. So many kind friends have reminded me about my light. I have a windowsill of lit candles. What is cool about a candle is that you can use the flame to light another candle. I am reading Nicole Byer's book #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE, and I will borrow some of her courage. Namaste
Podcast transcript: Welcome to the Things To Think About Podcast, where we use fables and fairy tales to come to deeper truths about our subconscious world. I'm Stacy Casson, and today's story deals with the question of "How do I overcome self-defeating behavior?" We will explore this topic in a tale I call "The Weaver."
And now, get comfortable and relax. Take a Deep Breathe in and exhale. A Deep Breath in and exhale. Deep breath in and exhale. And if you'd like, you can slowly...close...your eyes.
Once upon a time, there was a candle and a rock in a cave. Outside, the darkness is almost complete except for the tiny sliver of the new moon. It is not enough to light their path. This space held the time before time where trees only know the now but remember the all. Using their torch, they lit the candle, and only then did they gaze at the scene before them. Against the wall were various clay bowls holding tokens of what came before. Depictions of events that may or may not have happened covered the wall. There was a ripping sound, and then the viewer slid out of their human disguise, each leg slowly emerging. It breathed a sigh of relief, reveling in its true form. It said an incantation igniting torches along the wall, highlighting all the wonders of the cave.
No one knew about this place, and the creature would come to remember their deeds in their other life. It wandered over to the unfinished web to the right of the memory shrine. There it had woven incredible detail in colors that defied human comprehension. Woven into the tapestry were the stories: once upon a time, a little girl asked a question, once upon a time the moon was hungry, once upon a time a vow was made, and so many more. Using its elegant legs, it wove and destroyed stories. The cave was not bound by time, but a new world was created every time they left.
Would they be victorious? Offerings of blood, sweat, seed, time, and dreams lay on the shrine. When would the gods answer? Could they hear the creature as it diligently spun the web in the cave? The skinsuit had grown too small to hold their essence, and a new one had to be made. They had woven other suits, and they never fit quite right causing them to retreat to the cave. "We can't do this." They began to pick apart the tapestry, undoing each seam. No one would learn of the tales. With each broken thread, the torches in the cave dimmed. "It's not good enough. No one wants to read this story," the creature muttered as it continued to destroy the incredible tapestry. Finally, it noticed it was unable to see. The only light in the cave came from the candle in front of the rock.
Once again, it looked at the bowls and the pictures on the cave wall. Had it ever seen what was there? The contents of the bowls were truly extraordinary, and each scene on the wall a gem. It marveled at how the uglier depictions captured beauty despite the harrowing subject matter. Slowly it returned to the loom and began to spin a new tapestry. The colors merged into something wild and untamed. The creature donned the new vibrant skin suit. It was a little big, which gave it room to grow. Now on two legs, it walked to the cave entrance. Outside was still dark, but it noticed a soft glow from the suit illuminating the dark \earth outside. Would they share this new story or remain in the cave as new worlds were created outside?
That ends our story for today. Will you hide your light or share your story? And now, you can take a deep breath in and exhale. A deep breath in and exhale—deep breath in, and exhale. And when you're ready, wiggle your toes, wiggle your fingers, and slowly open your eyes.