Tyr, the Norse God whom Tuesday is named for, sacrificed a hand to uphold a bargain. My offering was not as painful, but meaningful nevertheless. On Tuesday, I gave myself permission to beging to release my old life and continue the journey to define who I am now. I have wanted to cut my hair for a few weeks after convincing myself to continue to grow it out because I need to change. The old me often does things on a superficial level. I have cut my hair in the past when overwhelmed and pretended to change. The result is temporary and as fast as my hair grows is how fast I return to my comfort zone. This time, I have done the work and can quantify the changes I have made. This chop is a reward and encouragement to continue on this path. Stop, Start, Continue is one of my favorite tools. How will I become a more authentic version of me?
The first step is to reflect upon what to continue. I have begun to have more challenging conversations. I'm still petty and dramatic at times, but I realize that being performative does not move the needle. I've adapted a new wardrobe in protest of my current condition. To me, I am screaming out loud and making profound declarations. To others, I've adopted a severe and elegant style. I am continuing to dwell in more liminal spaces and embracing the discomfort found there. It's similar to discovering that your new lover snores and you have already moved in together. Instead of judging the snoring, can I view it as a source of comfort that they are by my side? I am embracing my faults and recognizing that they are not bad. They have limits and can be useful in the right circumstances.
What I need to stop doing is throwing myself recklessly into every shiny new enticing project. How many times do I need to burnout before learning this lesson? Even yesterday, at an event, grand ideas to "nap for the cause" tried to take root. I do not need to plan this imaginary event at this moment. I have created a list of my dreams or pipe dreams and can park the ideas that come up there until I want to explore them further. As Tracy Chapman sang, "But I'm too old to go chasing you around Wasting my precious energy." Following my whims can result in incredible bargains like getting a toaster oven for twenty-bucks but it could also have disastrous results. Like if I decided to quit my job and become a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor, that may be fulfilling but a financial disaster.
I need to surrender my control freak tendancies and embrace what is. I make the journey unnecessarily hard because I view asking for help as a weakness or a burden. I've been playing so small and safe. The person with my current look does not play it safe. They do what they like when they like. They are bold and mutable yet solid and grounded. Today, I did not do what I planned in the moment because my car was blocked in. Weak excuse? Maybe. Or did I dodge a bullet? Guess what? Nothing is stopping me from either activity because they did not have a deadline. I am learning that I tend to treat everything as high stakes and that is simply not true. Now I'm off to be fabulous. What about you? Namaste.