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Successful Sunday, December 27th 2020

Stacks of papers in folders

I think I have an emotional hangover. These events are frustrating because they usually occur after growth and success. This past week has been great. I have committed a few of my dreams to paper, completed to-do lists, and posted quite a few videos. I have also succumbed to carb-icide, chocolate-cide, and worst of all; I have not created any art this weekend. I am late in posting this blog, and quite frankly, I do not want to write it, but I know this is not something I can blow off. One of my newest connections, Yinka Ewuola, wrote a post today that convicted me about consistency. Sometimes self-love is not letting yourself off the hook.

The challenge for me is that I know better. I am watching my own train wreck feeling helpless to stop the crash. I know this too shall pass, but I wish it would pass faster. What would I tell someone else to do in my shoes? I would tell them to reframe what is happening. Instead of focusing on the so-called current failures, ask if this is true. I have accomplished quite a bit in the past few days, even whipped up a cake on the fly without a recipe. That's pretty gosh-darn amazing. Yay me! Bigger, bolder dreams are not without risk. I should be celebrating that I am willing to take a chance on myself.

I give advice that I do not take for myself. The cup is empty, and still, I try to pour. I am not throwing a pity party; that was yesterday. I own up to some hard truths. I probably need to rejoin Martyrs Anonymous. I do not have to be "extra" every day. It is exhausting. I set a high bar, which results in me tripping over it. The wounds are self-inflicted. I am doing great things and aiming to exceed beyond my wildest dreams. Tomorrow, I will do tough things - read a garbage book for fun, binge-watch with my kids. I lied. Tomorrow I am going to be a social butterfly and exhaust myself.

What's next? In my quest for having a productive vacation, I have been too tasked oriented. I yanged when I should have yinged. Sometimes you have to go slow to go fast. I keep telling myself that I have all the time to accomplish what is important to me, but everything important to me is external. The majority of my goals have been what I think other people want me to do. I have done a Jedi mind trick on myself and convinced myself that it is what I want. "There is no in-between for me;
But who will change the scene for me? I think I'd better think it out again!" - 'Reviewing the Situation' - Ron Moody - Album Oliver! [Original Soundtrack]

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