I try to prime myself for miracles. Each day, I celebrate and appreciate the tiny magical moments that happen each day. For example, I had parked backed in and for once I wanted to use my trunk. There was another car parked very close to me. I wished it would move but resigned myself to putting my groceries in the back seat. Not two seconds later, the headlights come on and the car pulled out. I was able to bring the shopping cart to the trunk like I wanted. Then, when we headed over to the other store where my kid was shopping, we walked in just as they were checking out. Everything had lined up and was on time. I was so grateful. Also me: Hears a loud sound and immediately things, "great, what did they break now?" Nothing broke. Sometimes, I prime myself for pessimism.
I have not been as consistently motivated this week. It started off strong. I was sketching and doing my new routine of celebrating every win no matter how small. I literally would quietly yell, "Yay me! I did it!" It felt good and I was ready to tackle the next thing on my to do list. Then I would at all the things I was not getting done and beat myself up. Why? Because I am not handling my fear. I put myself out there this week for my Clarity Playshop. I did a test run and found opportunities. Instead of being grateful that I figured this out before going live, I immediately let the "What Ifs" loaf about in my head. "What if everyone hates it? What if they want their money back? What if I don't deliver my promise?" I have let fear derail my progress for years. Like the iconic Bianca Del Rio said in an episode of RuPaul's drag race, "Not today, Satan." I am not the person I was years ago. We all change and evolve. Did I want to live in the past or move forward?
It's very difficult to not be in control. When I drive with my kids, I sometimes am in a near panic. They are not bad drivers. I'm the same with Lyft drivers and sometimes am a backseat driver. I hope they don't ding my passenger rating. The common thread is that I am not the one behind the steering wheel. In my quest for control, I often suffer unnecessarily because I go it alone. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and accepted help and feedback. My dear friend and Number One Cheerleader, Ekua Cant kept reminding me to have a testing mindset. It is okay to try things and they not work. What if they do work? I am celebrating that I got out of my comfort zone and gasp, spoke to people! The world did not end. They did not hate me. I had some really nice conversations and learned about other people and points of view. What other thoughts that no longer serve me do I need to dismiss?
I'm supposed to be trying a thirty day affirmations challenge. I've had to restart several times. I am flexible and flowing. I move forward with grace and with ease. It is not easy to build a new habit. It is also not helpful to chastise myself when I fail. What have I learned? What is the root cause? Maybe I can add calendar notes or sticky notes to remind me. One thing that I have been more consistent about is reviewing my day. I think about the things I am grateful for and what went well. What is working? Celebrating every win no matter how small has been a game changer. I am generally more motivated and have accomplished many of my goals. That being said, "Yay Me!! I did it! I wrote by blog and finished my podcast." What's next? Namaste
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