Maybe, I am a masochist. I have been obessed with a Chinese soap opera about fate and love. The protagonist channels her pain into art. Perhaps I see some parallels with how she deals with loss. I have been unmotivated to do much else other than veg out and watch another episode. It is also great company for my insomnia. My insomnia is a chicken and egg situation. Do I watch episodes because I have insomnia or do the episodes keep me awake? Maybe I am battling my sadness. I do not know if it is a war I can win. At best, I am holding the enemy at bay, but it is chipping away at my walls. Sometimes the walls need to come down in order to create building blocks for a better structure.
Perhaps I am trying to fill the space with mindless entertainment. Though I notice I have been less interested in social media and rediscovered reading. What I hate doing is sitting with myself. I went to the movies yesterday and I did not realize how much one of the trailers would impact me. I like to meditate when I wake up. This round was difficult because I started getting images from the creepy movie trailer. This particular guided meditation, you could open your eyes. I felt even more panicked because what if these things could happen. Would there be a creepy being looking back at me? There was no one to call at insane o'clock in the morning just to say "I'm scared." Therefore, I had to deal with it and not run from the fear. Perhaps I also need to not run away from my life.
Lately I try and view things that cause me discomfort as messengers. If they were a person, what are they trying to tell me? I know I need to face them. I compromise daily ignoring my body to keep a roof over my head. I do little experiments. One morning, I decided to sleep in. I got up an hour later and was able to get everything done that I needed to get done. There was definitely a trade off. I know, world's smallest violin; I did not get to play Globle or Wordle. What if I ditched the alarm clock? My body usually wakes up before it and I ignore it because it is stupid o'clock in the morning and I went to bed at insane o'clock because I was binge watching soap operas. What if I took a nap instead of powering through my day? What if I stopped being a people pleaser?
I think I am a genuinely nice person. I like to make people feel valued and pampered and am notorious for serving tea in fancy tea cups. I think I do it because it makes me happy to serve others. Where is the line though? Do I need to drive myself so hard? I don't know where I saw it or heard it, but it was something about do you have to be the one? Do I need to be little miss fixit? I think a good determinator is if I feel resentful afterwards. I am learning to be more selective about the windmills I tilt at. I am learning to value what I bring to the table even if it is not readily apparent to others. I celebrate the win of knowing that I am remarkable even if others do not see it. I am one whose opinion matters. Loving oneself is a radical act. When the revolution comes will I miss it because I am watching soap operas? Namaste
