I have an app that pops up a thought for today. Today it said, "don't feed the sharks." Last week I learned the hard way about sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. The thing with tests is that they always come back until you learn your lesson. Today there was lots of conflict online. I don't think it was a good space for effective communication. I also noticed that my best laid plans were continually disrupted. Wake up at the crack of dawn? Nope. Woke up before dawn with a headache and decide to sleep in. I did most of my plans just a little later than expected. I could have fought and expended my energy to make things go as planned, but I felt that I would be scattering my energy. Did I really want to get into the fray?
It is a challenge to trust my intuition. Thanks to the 5 Day Anti-Racist Confidence Conversation Challenge Challenge from Ashani Mfuku, I sat with my reasons for putting in my two-cents and decided that I would probably not add much to the conversation. I am learning to pay attention to the undercurrents and focused on things that would nuture me and help me to find balance. Trusting my intuition helps me to use my energy wisely. This morning I dreamed about kittens. They were cute and fuzzy. When I reflected on this dream, the kittens drew me in but I was worried about their care. They were not my kittens and were in a box and escaped. If you have heard the phrase herding kittens, then you probably understand my reluctance to take on something that according to the dream was not my responsibilty
Instead, I chilled and sat with my emotions. I observed all the things happening around me and was inspired to write a story for my podcast. It is important to check were I am at before getting involved with other people. I know that when I'm not okay my conversations with my kids end up being a disaster. Penguins are clumsy on land but graceful in the water. Where is the environment that I will be elegant and free? Where can I thrive? Would it be worthwhile to court hearbreak? Yeah. I failed the test in a different way. The joy of kids. Let me sit with my rage at stupid school forms for a bit. It's not really rage. It's frustration to the point of tears. Dear schools and governments, stop putting parents through this garbage when you have all of our information and are torturing us so the tax prep lobby can get paid.
What will be my plan next week? More tests I'm sure. I will have to resist the urge to be stabby and breathe, checkin with myself and calm down. When I feel like charging in is when I most need to take a step back. Or get use to making apologies, but for an apology to be effective, I have to change. I can't panic just because it feels like everything is falling down on me. Feelings are not reality and will pass. Time to embrace my inner Jiminy Crickett and let my conscience be my guide. PS, I still hate it here. Namaste
